Listening

I believe that 90 percent of communication is listening. I have a student this semester whose husband is 99 percent deaf. The couple communicates through American Sign Language. I have learned a great lesson about communication from this student, even though she lives in a world of virtual silence. In this world of silence, there is still a listening mechanism going on through her hands and eyes and her husband’s hands and eyes. Together they are able to reinforce important statements, emphasize or exaggerate important issues, and carry on a dialogue. Communication not only happens through sound; it happens through silence.

So, are you really listening? Zarefsky illustrates the important distinction between listening and hearing by describing the following comical scene:

It is a standard scene in comic strips and situation comedies: The husband is at the breakfast table, his face buried in the newspaper, appearing not to recognize that his wife is seated across from him. The wife is trying to conduct a conversation about the day’s schedule or jobs needing to be done around the house. Anytime she pauses, the husband mutters, “Mm-hmmm,” without ever lowering the newspaper even to look at his wife. Finally, in desperation, the wife grabs the newspaper, shouting, “You’re not listening to me,” to which the husband replies, calmly, “That’s not true, dear, I heard everything you said.” ⁸

So who is right, the wife or the husband? Zarefsky explains:

The husband and wife are both right—because hearing and listening are not the same thing. Hearing is a sensory activity. Nerve endings in the ear receive sound waves and transmit them to the brain; the brain receives them, and you become conscious of sound. It is a physiological process. In contrast, listening is a mental operation. It involves processing the sound waves, interpreting their meaning, and storing the interpretation in memory so that it can be evoked again, reflected about, or acted upon. ⁹

Hearing comes naturally. We hear sounds of birds, dogs barking, and music in the background. But listening is an acquired skill. Individual people must train themselves to focus their attention on what is being expressed.

To enhance your listening skills, follow these “Guides for Effective Listening,” outlined by Michael and Suzanne Osborn in their book on public speaking: