FREE online courses on the Art Of Effective Time Management - Assertiveness Training - STEP THREE

 

Practice giving assertive responses.

 

Using the responses you have just developed, role-play the problem situations with a friend or, if that isn't possible, simply imagine interacting assertively. As recommended, start with real life but easy to handle situations and work up to more challenging ones expected in the future.

 

You will quickly discover, if your friend plays the role realistically, that you need to do more than simply rehearse the assertiveness responses. You will realize that no matter how calm and tactful you are, how much you use "I" statements, and how much you play down a desire for change, it will still sometimes come out smelling like a personal assault to the other person. The other person may not be aggressive (since you have been tactful) but you should realize that strong reactions are possible, e.g. getting mad and calling you names, counter-attacking and criticizing you, seeking revenge, becoming threatening or ill, or suddenly being contrite and overly apologetic or submissive. Your friend helping you by role-playing can act out the more likely reactions. In most cases, simply explaining your behavior and standing your ground will handle the situation. But, there are helpful special techniques for responding to criticism and when the interaction is not going well.

 

When we are criticized, there are various ways of attacking back. We may be sarcastic, get mad, or criticize back. We assume "I count, you don't." That's aggressive. We may cry, be quiet, or get away. We imply "You count, I don't." That's passive. We may pretend to forget but get even by procrastinating, being late or slow, being silent or whiny, bad mouthing the critic, or doing any thing that drives him/her up a wall ("Oh, I didn't know that was bothering you"). That's passive-aggressive. Instead of these kinds of reactions to criticism, McKay, Davis & Fanning (1983) recommend using one of these approaches reflecting a "We both count equally" attitude:

 

Acknowledge that the criticism is true, if it is. Don't make flimsy excuses but do give honest explanations (if you have a valid one). Examples: "Yes, I have put off doing the report." "Yes, I was late this morning but my car wouldn't start."

Even if you don't agree with most of the criticism, you can single out some part that you do agree with and indicate where you agree, disregarding all the disagreements. Examples: "You could be right about..." "I understand how you feel about..." This is really ducking the issue but that may be what you want to do.

Listen carefully and ask for clarification until the person's views are understood. Focus on his/her main point and ask, "What is it that bothers you about...?"

 

In most interactions, it is not just one person assertively asking for changes, but rather two people wanting to express their feelings, opinions or wishes (and maybe get their way). So, each of you must take turns being assertive and then listen empathetically...that's good communication if it results in satisfactory compromises.

 

Finally, assertiveness is used to confront difficult situations and people. Some people just won't take "no" for an answer; some kids continue arguing and arguing; some people don't realize how determined you are until you repeat the message many times. One technique is called the broken record: you calmly and firmly repeat a short, clear statement over and over until the other person gets the message. Examples: "I want you to be home by midnight," "I don't like the product and I want my money back," "No, I don't want to go drinking, I want to study." Repeat the same statement in exactly the same way until the other person "gets off your back," regardless of the excuses, diversions, or arguments given by the other person.

 

There are other techniques to use when the communication is breaking down, for instance the topic may have gotten changed, one or both people may be losing control of their emotions, or the interaction may be at an impasse: (1) shift the focus from the issue at hand to what is happening between you and the other person. "We are both getting upset, let's try to stay reasonable," "We have drifted off the topic, can we go back to ____?" (2) If you need time to think or to calm down or if no progress is being made, consider taking a break: "That's important, let me think about it. Can we take a 10-minute break?" "I need to sleep on that before making a decision." "I'm too upset right now to discuss it, I'll be ready to deal with it at 3:00 PM tomorrow afternoon."