FREE online courses on the Art Of Effective Time Management - Assertiveness
Training - Practice giving assertive responses
Using the responses you have just
developed, role-play the problem situations with a friend or, if that isn't
possible, simply imagine interacting assertively. As recommended, start with
real life but easy to handle situations and work up to more challenging ones
expected in the future.
You will quickly discover, if your
friend plays the role realistically, that you need to do more than simply
rehearse the assertiveness responses. You will realize that no matter how calm
and tactful you are, how much you use "I" statements, and how much you play down
a desire for change, it will still sometimes come out smelling like a personal
assault to the other person. The other person may not be aggressive (since you
have been tactful) but you should realize that strong reactions are possible,
e.g. getting mad and calling you names, counter-attacking and criticizing you,
seeking revenge, becoming threatening or ill, or suddenly being contrite and
overly apologetic or submissive. Your friend helping you by role-playing can act
out the more likely reactions. In most cases, simply explaining your behavior
and standing your ground will handle the situation. But, there are helpful
special techniques for responding to criticism and when the interaction is not
going well.
When we are criticized, there are
various ways of attacking back. We may be sarcastic, get mad, or criticize back.
We assume "I count, you don't." That's aggressive. We may cry, be quiet, or get
away. We imply "You count, I don't." That's passive. We may pretend to forget
but get even by procrastinating, being late or slow, being silent or whiny, bad
mouthing the critic, or doing any thing that drives him/her up a wall ("Oh, I
didn't know that was bothering you"). That's passive-aggressive. Instead of
these kinds of reactions to criticism, use one of these approaches reflecting a
"We both count equally" attitude:
Acknowledge that the criticism is
true, if it is. Don't make flimsy excuses but do give honest explanations (if
you have a valid one). Examples: "Yes, I have put off doing the report." "Yes, I
was late this morning but my car wouldn't start."
Even if you don't agree with most
of the criticism, you can single out some part that you do agree with and
indicate where you agree, disregarding all the disagreements. Examples: "You
could be right about..." "I understand how you feel about..." This is really
ducking the issue but that may be what you want to do.
Listen carefully and ask for
clarification until the person's views are understood. Focus on his/her main
point and ask, "What is it that bothers you about...?"
In most interactions, it is not
just one person assertively asking for changes, but rather two people wanting to
express their feelings, opinions or wishes (and maybe get their way). So, each
of you must take turns being assertive and then listen empathetically...that's
good communication if it results in satisfactory compromises.
Finally, assertiveness is used to
confront difficult situations and people. Some people just won't take "no" for
an answer; some kids continue arguing and arguing; some people don't realize how
determined you are until you repeat the message many times. One technique is
called the broken record: you calmly and firmly repeat a short, clear statement
over and over until the other person gets the message. Examples: "I want you to
be home by midnight," "I don't like the product and I want my money back," "No,
I don't want to go drinking, I want to study." Repeat the same statement in
exactly the same way until the other person "gets off your back," regardless of
the excuses, diversions, or arguments given by the other person.
There are other techniques to use
when the communication is breaking down, for instance the topic may have gotten
changed, one or both people may be losing control of their emotions, or the
interaction may be at an impasse: (1) shift the focus from the issue at hand to
what is happening between you and the other person. "We are both getting upset,
let's try to stay reasonable," "We have drifted off the topic, can we go back to
____?" (2) If you need time to think or to calm down or if no progress is being
made, consider taking a break: "That's important, let me think about it. Can we
take a 10-minute break?" "I need to sleep on that before making a decision."
"I'm too upset right now to discuss it, I'll be ready to deal with it at 3:00
tomorrow afternoon."
