FREE online courses on Handling Our Own Aggression & Anger - Level IV Cognitive processes involved in reducing aggression - Every human being should be respected

 

The Quakers might be right, God may be in every person. No thought or feeling is awful, it doesn't hurt anyone until it gets transformed into action. So, accept everyone as an important, worthy person, regardless of what they have done. Be tolerant of all ideas and feelings. Concentrate on solving the problem at hand rather than on any personal affront you may have suffered.

 

Live a non-aggressive, loving, and forgiving philosophy. There are many possibilities: Christian "love thy enemies" or "love one another" or "turn the other cheek" philosophy is one. Other approaches are the Quakers', Gandhi's, and Martin Luther King's non-violence philosophy, and the Kung Fu or Yoga philosophy of detachment and acceptance of the inevitable. Also, Carl Rogers and humanistic psychologists speak of "unconditional positive regard" for every person. Similarly, reverence for others, as implied in his title, I and Thou. This involves a deep respect for every person, considering them priceless, irreplaceable, vital, and a fascinating, unique miracle to be cherished, even if you don't like all that they have done. Every person has a right to be different, perhaps a responsibility to be his/her unique self.

 

Anger consists of our bitter responses to insults, hurts, injustices, rejection, pain, etc., and the bitterness is repeatedly rehearsed and remembered. Hatred is a memory that we are unwilling to let go, to dismiss, to forgive. If we could forgive the person who offended us, we would no longer be so angry and stressed. For many of us, however, forgiveness is especially hard because we confuse it with other reactions. Making these distinctions may help you become forgiving:

 

Forgiveness is not forgetting nor is it a promise to forget. You can never forget being hurt. In fact, if you had forgotten, you couldn't forgive.

Forgiveness is not promising to believe the other person was not guilty or not responsible for the wrong things he/she did. If he/she were blameless, there would be nothing to forgive.

Forgiveness is not praise or a reward; no reward was earned, none is given.

Forgiveness is not approval of what was done. You are not conceding that the wrong he/she committed is viewed as any less serious than it has been heretofore.

Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the offense. It does not mean that your values or society's rules have changed. It is not based on an assumption that the hurt will never be repeated on anyone but it implies such a hope.

 

Forgiveness, as defined here, is your decision to no longer hate the sinner; it is getting rid of your venom, your hatred; it is your attempt to heal yourself, to give yourself some peace. There is research evidence of a positive relationship between forgiveness and self-acceptance, i.e. the more you accept others, the more you like yourself, and the reverse. By knowing clearly what forgiveness is and what it is not, we may be able to forgive more easily.

 

Be sure you really want to forgive. If you are still boiling inside and feel there could never be even a partial justification of what was done, you aren't ready to forgive. You still have unfinished business with this person. If and when you want to get these bad feelings off your chest, want to remove some of the emotional barriers from the relationship, and want to see the other person's side of the situation, you may be ready to consider the remaining steps in forgiving. To get to the point of forgiving someone, try expressing the anger and pain with people you trust, but follow this with a genuine discussion of how and why you may be "nurturing and prolonging the pain." Then consider what you would gain if you let go of the resentment. Ask yourself if you have ever let down or hurt someone. Are you ready to give up your revenge against this other person?

 

Make a serious effort to understand the circumstances, thinking, motives, and hopes of the person who hurt you. Look for background information--cultural influences, painful childhood experiences, abuse, addictions, psychological problems, resentment, envy, ambitions, etc.--that would explain (not excuse) the resented behavior. Talk to relatives and friends of the person who offended you, get their opinions about the offender's situation and motives. Had he/she had experiences that made his/her actions towards you likely to occur?

Use this background information to look at what happened from the other person's point of view. As best you can tell, what was his/her psychological condition and educational background? What do you suppose he/she thought would be the outcome of treating you the way he/she did? What loss might he/she have been trying to handle or prevent? What emotions might have been dominating the other person? How do you think he/she saw you and your situation at the time? Look at the offender's behavior as a determinist would. Example: suppose a spouse has been unfaithful; try to realize the past experiences that made him/her feel sexually insecure, realize why sexual conquering or another love was important to him/her, try to see how he/she was feeling about you at the time and how your feelings were overlooked, etc.

 

Another factor to consider is whether or not the offender is contrite or has made any efforts to change his/her behavior or to make up for harm that he/she has done. It is easier to forgive someone who is sorry and trying to improve--or will seek professional help (don't try to become his/her therapist yourself). Could he/she start to grow from hearing about your pain? Don't expect miracles and remember you are forgiving them for your well being, not his/hers.

 

Regardless of how the other person feels about his/her actions, the question is: Are you ready to absorb the pain without spewing hatred back (which stops the cycle)? Having a model, like Gandhi or Jesus, may help. Can you start to wish the other person well? Would it feel good to give up the anger and the seeking of revenge?

 

Weigh the benefits vs. the disadvantages of forgiving, e.g. how much better are you likely to feel if you get rid of part of this anger? Are there positive aspects of your history with the offending person that you would like to renew, if you could forgive him/her? It is so sad, for example, when loving parents are estranged from a son or daughter for years because he or she married the "wrong" race or religion. On the other hand, trying to approach and forgive someone is stressful. If it doesn't work out well, your anger may build and be more disruptive and prolonged. If your forgiving suggests (to you or significant others) that you condone totally unforgivable behavior or that you now feel unworthy of condemning this person, perhaps you should wait. But, if you can stop carrying a burden of resenting and blaming, if you can emotionally heal yourself by getting rid of this poison, it probably is worthwhile. It is not a decision to be made lightly. But, what a blessing to lay down the load.