FREE online courses on Handling Our Own Aggression & Anger - Level I
Aggression control methods focusing on simple behavior - Explain yourself and
understand others
It is remarkable what a difference a little understanding
makes. For example one of the studies shows that a brief comment like "I am
uptight" prior to being abrasive and rude is enough to take the sting out of
your aggressiveness. So, if you are getting irritated at someone for being
inconsiderate of you, ask them if (or just assume) something is wrong or say,
"I'm sorry you are having a hard time." Similarly, if you are having a bad day
and feeling grouchy, ask others (in advance) to excuse you because you are
upset. This changes the environment.
Develop better ways of behaving. Although we may feel like
hitting the other person and cussing them out, using our most degrading and vile
language, we usually realize this would be unwise. Research confirms that calmly
expressed anger is far more understandable and tolerable than a tirade. Stress
inoculation, social skills training, and problem-solving methods training are
all effective ways to control anger.
Try out different approaches and see how they work. Almost
anything is better than destructive aggression. If you are a yeller and
screamer, try quiet tolerance and maybe daily meditation. If you are a
psychological name-caller, try "I" statements instead. If you sulk and withdraw
for hours, try saying, "I have a problem I'd like to talk about soon." If you
tend to strike out with your fists, try hitting a punching bag until you can
plan out a reasonable verbal approach to solving the problem.
Responses are incompatible with getting intensely anger, i.e.
these responses seem to help us calm down. Such responses include empathy
responding, giving the offender a gift, asking for sympathy, and responding with
humor. Other constructive reactions are to ask the offensive critic to clarify
his/her insult or to volunteer to work with and help out the irritating person.
This only works if your kindness is genuine and your offer is honest.
In addition to incompatible overt responses, there are many
covert or internal responses you might use that will help suppress or control
your anger. Examples: self-instructions, such as "they are just trying to make
you mad" and "don't lose control and start yelling," influence greatly your view
of the situation and can be very helpful in avoiding and controlling aggression.
Indeed, one of the major methods of anger control uses relaxation,
Rational-Emotive techniques, and self-talk.
