FREE online courses on Handling Our Own Aggression & Anger - Self-help
methods must be tailored to each persons needs
First of all, it seems clear that we have two basic ways of
dealing with our own anger.
We can:
(a) prevent it,
i.e. keep anger from welling up inside of us,
(b) control it,
i.e. modify our aggressive urges after anger erupts inside.
The preventative approach sounds ideal--avoid frustrating
situations, be assertive when things first annoy you, eliminate irrational ideas
that arouse anger, etc. But, we can't avoid all frustrations and all thoughts
that arouse anger. Secondly, in the situations where we haven't, as yet, learned
to prevent an angry reaction, we seem to fall into two easily recognized
categories: (a) "swallowers
" or repressor-suppressor or (b) "exploders
" or hotheaded expressers. Do you recognize yourself and others you are close
to? The "swallowers" haven't prevented the anger, they have just hidden
it--suppressed it. (Don't let the fact that "swallowers" may eventually erupt in
fits of rage, much like the "exploder," confuse you.) In "exploders," angry
feelings and aggressive responses are immediate--little time for prevention,
little time to think about avoiding anger, the emotions just spew out.
Of course, there are times when anger is appropriate and
effective. Anger is effective only under these conditions:
The anger is directed at the
offending person (telling your friends may increase your anger).
The expression satisfies your
need to influence the situation and/or correct an injustice.
Your approach seems likely to
change the other person's behavior, which means you can express
yourself so they can understand your point of view and so they will cooperate
with you.
If these conditions are not met, you are usually well advised
to "bite your lip" or "hold your tongue" and vent your anger privately (by
yourself alone), if that helps, or forget it. You will be surprised how often
the suppression of hot, vile, cutting remarks avoids a nasty scene.
Both prevention-of-anger and control-of-anger methods are
given in this section. The self-help methods are arranged by levels to help you
plan a self-improvement project. Make use of science and your personal
experience to decide what might work best for you.
